Seek and ye shall find (or not)

Monday, May 30, 2011

It's official. The world is full of weirdos.

Or, more specifically, the internet is full of weirdos. You know how I know? Because I just read through all the bizarre and wonderful search terms that pointed people to this blog. Oh dear God.

I mean, do people even understand how search engines work? What would one be hoping to achieve by googling "I came home and put on everything my mother wears", for example? But more importantly - and this is a recurring theme - in what world does this search lead to my blog??

I'm slightly concerned that I may have inadvertently taken the blog down a less-than-savoury path, if "shiny panties in aubergine", "Prince Harry grabbing balls" and, most worryingly, "granny fucking" all brought people here. There is a sorely disappointed gerontophile out there somewhere. Sorry about that.

Not everyone on the internet is into geriatric porn though. Some people are just crazy. Like the person who searched "moorings for real ya know banana man". Okaaaaaay.

There are some people I wish I could help, like the poor bride who wanted to know "why am I being asked why my aunts and grannies will dance at my wedding!!!???". Maybe I should have a link to Ask Team Practical or Dear ESB in big letters across the top of the page. As for the person who wondered, "is there such a thing as too much lust for your wife?": I don't know, pal, but I have a lovely set of 10-year-old baggy tartan pyjamas that I guarantee will clear that problem right up for you.

Far and away the most common search term, though, is "fake ponytail" and all its myriad permutations. Best fake pony tail, best fake ponytail, best fake ponytail hair piece, best fake ponytails, best fake ponytil [sic], best looking fake pony tail, best ponytail, best ponytail in the world, best ponytails, big fake ponytail, breast cancer hat with fake ponytail (that one breaks my heart a little), buy fake ponytails, buy good fake ponytail, buy long fake pony tail, fake pony tail, fake pony tail pictures, fake pony tale [sic], fake ponytail, fake ponytails, fake ponytails cheap (isn't it weird how the word ponytail ceases to have any meaning after you've read it twenty times?), fake ponytails for wedding, fake ponytails for women, fake ponytails short hair, fakeponytail, fancy dress fake ponytail, girls fake pony tail, good fake ponytail, how to fix a fake ponytail, inexpensive fake ponytail, long fake ponytails, long fake poytails [sic], me with fake ponytail, medium fake ponytail to buy, natural looking fake ponytail, ponytail knockoff act (?), the best ponytail, turning a fake ponytail, want to buy a fake ponytail, what is the best fake ponytail, what is the best looking fake ponytail, where can I buy a fake ponytail?, where to buy fake ponytail, where to buy fake ponytails...

I can tell you where to buy fake ponytails: NOT HERE.

Okay, fine, so I wrote a post called The Best Fake Ponytail in the WORLD!. I *suppose* I can see why Google might think that had something to do with actual fake ponytails. But it's kind of sad when you look at your stats and think, ooh, I've had lots of visits today! and then realise 80% of them are from people desperate to get their mitts on some synthetic hair.

Maybe I should just embrace it? Stick in a link right at the top of the blog to fake ponytails on Amazon, then sit back and let the pennies roll in? Come on Google, do your worst! FAKE PONYTAIL FAKE PONYTAIL FAKE PONYTAIL!!!

Or not.

Anyone else had any bizarre searches leading to their blogs? Or is it just me who attracts the weirdos looking for faux eyelids and "equestrian brown crochet shorts"...?

Images of the beautiful Doe Deere via her blog, shot by Grenouille.

11 boats moored

  1. ha! yes. I stopped reading the search terms that had brought people to my blog because they creeped me the hell out. The weirdest though were the questions... "will I get the job I just applied for?" "is my wife going to leave me?" Who told these people that google worked like a magic 8 ball?

  2. haha. I must say I haven't had any super creepy ones but some posts will come back to haunt you. In one rambling post I put one of those old "love is" cartoons and the amount of people who search for that definitely push my numbers up. Also, royal wedding cross-stitch patterns seemed to be rather popular. If nothing else it makes for a new viewpoint of the world.

  3. I always enjoy seeing the searches that lead people to my site, though most of the time it's fairly dull. But lately I've had a few searches for "sexy ooh videos" - presumably these people get their kicks from watching newlyweds? Or looking for some tips on how to make their own.
    The worst was definitely "what to do when your husband ruins your honeymoon". Not sure they would've found the answe they were looking for...

  4. You realise by including lots of unsavoury words in this blog post your problem is not going to end, right?! Someone found me by googling 'Lucy hop on me baby' last week. Now I realise that's NOTHING compared to everyone else ha!

  5. I have had some weird ones too but trying not to let it bother me. Russia is a big audience puller for mine?! And people googling images. Anyhoo carry on regardless!

  6. your use of the word 'pal' actually made me belly laugh. Embrace the weird. And silently judge them for their creepiness.

  7. Brilliant. I'm off to read my searches for laughs now. :)

  8. Tangerine - I got sick and tired of people finding my blog by looking for a fruit. So fed up that I deleted the post altogether.

  9. My favourite ones are: "pygmy goat hello", "why do jockeys drink red wine?", "which west country comediam (sic) described a sweaty experience with sun cream", "is it possible to overdose on potatoes", "was it william & kate we saw cycling in cornwall on saturday" and "husband wears catsuit" or similar "husband wears lycra".

    Gotta love Google.

  10. Bahahahaha who ARE these weirdos? "husband wears catsuit" - wtf?? Love it. Keep em coming.

  11. mmm yes you do wonder about some people eh!

    A couple of my latest ones are cow photos on wall, interstate 12 & architect cufflinks!