M is actually for Ms
Friday, November 16, 2012
Earlier this week I wrote a post for Any Other Woman's A-Z of Getting Married, called M is for Mrs. (If you haven't read the post yet, go and do it now. I'll wait.)
It's a little-known fact - and by little-known, I mean it's probably only known to me, my husband and a handful of internet shopping database administrators - that I am not a Mrs. I am a Ms. Well, I'm a human being first and foremost, but if you wanted to write me a letter or invite me to a party or sue me, Ms is how I would prefer to be addressed.
I used to be a Mrs. When I first got married and took Fin's surname, I changed my title to Mrs at every single one of the 6,745 different places I had to change my name. I just didn't think about it. I was married, I'd changed my name, I was a Mrs. We even had Mr and Mrs his'n'hers mugs. What's to think about?
And yet, every time I saw those three dreaded letters before my name, I winced. Something about it just felt wrong. In my mind, "Mrs" was only for teachers and mums. And "Mrs MyNewName" was specifically for Fin's mum, who also happens to be a teacher, thereby confirming my hypothesis. A 26-year-old with no children and a six-week backlog of unironed washing in her spare room had no business being a Mrs. No business at all.
I thought I'd get used to it, but instead I found myself disliking it more and more until one day, boom. There it was. The solution had been staring me in the face all along, right there in every drop-down box on every website that had ever guzzled up my personal data for its own nefarious purposes. All I had to do was scroll past 'Mrs', and click 'Ms'. Sweet, sweet relief.
So now I'm a Ms, and I feel like me again. I wish I could give some deeply feminist reason for the change, but the truth is that "Mrs" just made me feel old and frumpy and uncool and all those other sexist adjectives we tend to dump on wives and mothers. Ms, on the other hand, is sassy. She's sophisticated and a little bit mysterious: is she married? Is she single? Is she a SPY? Oh, the intrigue!
Of course, in choosing Ms for myself, I pass no judgement on women who embrace their Mrs-ness. I hope we know each other well enough by now for that to go without saying. And the reason my decision to be a Ms is little-known is because WHEN DO YOU EVEN USE YOUR TITLE ANYWAY? Never, that's when. Or only when buying fripperies on the internet.
In other marriage-related news, Blonde Bridesmaid's wedding is now just two weeks away. Two weeks! Squeal! So this weekend will mainly be spent on bridesmaid duty. I'm sure you’ll all be delighted to hear that The Giant Pineapple Dress Of Doom has arrived and been trimmed within an inch of its life. I no longer resemble any type of fruit in it, which is all you can really hope for in a bridesmaid dress, isn't it?
Happy weekend, folks.
Lara Stone does sexy housewife, shot by Mert & Marcus for Vogue US September 2010 via Fashion Gone Rogue
15 boats moored
I've not changed my name (mostly through laziness rather than any feminist, or other statement!). Technically my title is Dr but I don't really use it, but since I got married it's been a bit of a cop out way to avoid the Mrs/Ms/Miss issue.
ReplyDeleteI also can't find any definitive answer to whether I can be Dr Married Name and I don't want to use 2 names. Noone cares about those 2 papers I got published 4 years ago!
I am so intrigued!
ReplyDeleteI use Ms. because I did not take my husband's name, but when I started taking Spanish class, I realized that I would be Senora D-B and not Senorita D-B. This wigged me out. Because Senora was the name for the middle aged Spanish teachers in my high school. It is not the name for a barely 27 year old woman who hits the snooze button five times in the morning. So I've simply requested to be called Senorita, though that doesn't feel that right either, there is no Spanish Ms.
ReplyDeleteI read something once about French women in their late 20s/early 30s using Madame instead of Mademoiselle even though they weren't married, because it garnered more respect than the decidedly girlish-sounding Mademoiselle. Now, of course, the word has been banished from official use because it's "sexist," and they're all Madames, which is kind of awesome.
Delete...nothing quite like a French Madam, now is there? :)
DeleteI feel exactly how you do about Mrs/Ms. I can't stand Mrs, but yet the whole rest of the world insists that is what I am now. Even my feminist friends. When I am given the choice, I always choose the box for "Ms" but I have yet to find the guts to correct people who automatically write me down as Mrs. So now internally wince a little when I get our bank statements or phone bill in the mail.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. Pre-marriage I was quite keen on being Mrs... but just couldn't do it. Ms is me, and I've ended up keeping my name too. Ms for the win!
ReplyDeleteOOOh- L, I have no idea re: married doctorate (should get mine next year deo volente) but I know of a scholar who has gone through three double barrel names after various divorces... maiden name safest!
ReplyDeleteI definitely had to go with Ms. It feels all sorts of badass to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the undecided camp at the moment. I knew I wanted to take my husband's name and automatically assumed I would be a Mrs but now that I am I'm finding it way harder to get used to than the whole new surname thing so I'm trying out ticking Ms instead of Mrs on a few online orders just to see if that feels better...
ReplyDeleteI've been Ms since I was a teenager. Now, in Switzerland, I am Frau, and I hate it! I always think "hey, woman" or "hausfrau" and it's pretty formal and sexist around here so I really wish there was a Ms equivalent!
ReplyDeleteI have just discovered a new blog I actually want to read! Hurrah!! And I am late to this party, but I am going to comment because a rose by any other name would smell quite different. To me, anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo, me, I'm a doctor. A real one with a stethoscope. (Or not a real one, without a PhD. Depends who you talk to). And I cannot tell you how glad I am never to have to think about being a Mrs or not. Urgh. Once a hard-earned Dr B, always a hard-earned Dr B. But I am getting married next month, and people are asking me if I will then be Dr T? The answer is a resounding no. Dr T is a) him b) not my name and c) would make my initials PMT! So, no thank you. And what I call myself is a name all of my own: a surname carried into the country by immigrants in flight, who had two sons and then no grandsons to carry on the story, plus a title I worked damn hard for, thank you very much, in the face of many people who thought I couldn't.
I tend not to correct people when they call me Miss or Ms (unless I am really irked. Or, occasionally, trying pull rank. Usually when super-irked). But Mrs? No, thank you! Mrs B is my mum, and Mrs Anyone Else wears carpet slippers.
Hurrah! I love new readers!
DeleteWould it be going too far to do a PhD purely so I could be a Dr and avoid all this title trauma? (There is no way on earth I could be a medical doctor, having merrily ditched biology at age 12.)
Being a medical doctor for the title alone would, I agree, be insanity. Particularly as being one at all seems quite mad to me most of the time. And PhDs look REALLY HARD.
DeleteYou could always change it by deed poll. Or! Stick with Ms. It's a good name.
...I think it takes a while to grow into our Mrs-ness. While I worked and was married like you I prefered that mysterious Mzz, especially as I was one of the few Mrs working in trendy sales and media at the time where every under-30 young gal is an unmarried independent. Over time, and moving out of such circles I kind of grew into being a Mrs. Mrs can be useful at times, I have found. Though if you were to call me that to my face I might just giggle ridiculously and very not-Mrs in any way, shape or form :)
ReplyDeleteI say, keep up the MS-tery until otherwise suits you better ;)