Dear Lady in the Lift This Morning

Friday, April 13, 2012


You know what's not helpful?

Saying to a stranger in the lift on their way to work, "Did you know that when you walk your skirt goes right up at the back?".

I know you were just trying to give me some friendly advice, but what do you expect me to say? "Yes, actually, I did know. Flashing my knickers at the mailman as I walk around the office is my new strategy for bagging a promotion! And by the way, feminism is for losers!"

Obviously, I did not know, and it's not like I can do anything about it now. You might not have guessed this from my nonchalant, skirt-shrinking gait, but I am technically meant to be in work by 9 and it's already quarter past. Which is why you might have noticed me frantically stabbing the 'close doors' button before you lurched into the lift at the last moment and pressed 'Level 1'. Changing my skirt is not an option.

So what, exactly, am I meant to do with this information? Roll around the office in my desk chair all day? "Hey, Mr Coffee Man, I'm down here! On my wheelie chair! Don't mind me, I'm just taking it easy today."

Next time (oh God, don't let there be a next time), maybe you should just not say anything. Because there's a chance I might reply, "Did you know that you can actually get the stairs to the first floor?"

Love,
Self-Conscious Office Worker Who Will Now Not Be Going To The Loo All Day.


{Image: The Sartorialist}

14 boats moored

  1. what a cow. you may as well work it to bag a free coffee- too late to do anything about it now, might as well get something useful out of it...

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    1. In fairness, I think she meant well - it was just spectacularly unhelpful!

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  2. Poor you - not a good way to start the day. Her interpretation of "right up" might be different from yours though - she may be exaggerating so don't despair (and DO go to the loo).

    And I grind my teeth in fury when people get into the lift to go up or DOWN one floor (surely just gravity would take care of that?) and pointedly look at their feet to see if they're in plastercasts. They never are. A former colleague of mine once said "Don't you hate it when the stairs are out of order?"!

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    1. It is SO annoying. In fairness, we're only on the fourth floor so I should probably walk too, but then I would miss out on the opportunity to sigh and look pointedly at the buttons whenever anyone gets the lift to or from level 1.

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    2. We have one woman who works in my building on the first floor (for a different company) who always takes the lift up and down that one flight. I now mentally compete with her so that if I see her approaching the front door when I'm waiting for the lift, I try to power the doors open with my brain and get in and press the buttons before she gets there. I get a point if I manage.

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  3. I have one of those pintuck skirts I wear for work in the summer. On THREE separate occasions last year (including mid cash transaction), some old woman (different each time) stuck her bony finger in my shoulder and told me 'my knickers were showing', causing me to fumble red-faced at my bottom.
    Each time, my knickers were NOT showing, not even slightly.

    Old women, foiled by new fangled fashion.

    On another note: when I tore the ligaments in my foot playing netball, I got lots of comments at work about using the lift to go up one floor. Someone also darted in front of me when I opened the disabled outside door. Bless them. Still, there was egg on their face when the lift arrived and I shuffled painfully forward, inch by inch.
    I tend to use the stairs anyway though - mainly because I'm too impatient to wait!
    Thanks for the post - nice to know there are other people experiencing the unhelpful helpfuls!

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  4. I'm sorry this made me laugh as much as it did. Unhelpful help is the worst kind, like when my glasses broke and I had to walk around with them on wonky and people kept asking if I knew that my glasses needed fixing. What? You mean these glasses that are sitting at a 45 degree angle on my face because I sat on them? No I hadn't spotted that. Thanks for being here. I assume that since you've brought this up you're going to provide me with the equipment to fix the problem, yes?

    K x

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  5. Yes to telling strangers they have their cardigan on inside out (if you're absolutely sure it's not just a fashion statement), or letting friends know they have spinach in their teeth, but no to commenting on the length of people's skirts! Grrrrrr... (And I share your lift rage - need to factor in the lazy 'one-floor riders' into my lunch break as I come from the 5th floor)

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  6. Couldn't you have gone out at lunch and just bought another outfit? I mean, it sounds like it was an emergency. Signed, an enabler.

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  7. This is not exactly relevant, but yesterday I told a girl on the bus I liked her hat and she looked at me like I was a crazy person. Lord knows what she would have done if I told her I could see her knickers.

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  8. Oh, man, I'm super impressed with you! I'm always the most self-conscious when I'm in a skirt and, good grief, if any stranger ever said anything about being able to see my undergarments, I'd probably just run home crying, so major bravery points for you!:)

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  9. I can't stand it when people say things like that, even if they mean well and even if I know them. I would MUCH MUCH rather get home and have some retroactive embarrassment once it's all over than be self-conscious all day long.

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  10. I've had people encourage me to pull donwn my skirt - that is helpful (sometimes it gets caught in my bag) but though this was clearly meant well I can see why it might not have been so great. It did make me giggle though. Sorry.

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